The Liquid Kosmos

Two Socially Important Events

So I'm hanging out in the self help section at Borders and notice this attractive woman nestled into the co-dependent corner. I immediately felt a little awkward...not because she was lucious in the vein of a college professor's wife, but it's just a little uncomfortable crowding with a stranger in such a openly personal setting. Just then I notice a very short (not that I am towering) older (not that I am younger) man oozing his way into her air space and quickly realize this guy does not adhere to my personal-space principles.

Now, this dude nestles up next to Ms. Professor and immediately starts pulling the biggest "sex books" in the world off the shelf right next to her. He is brazenly leafing through these erotic tomes and is so close to her she is probably smelling the filth flying from his pages. What makes it increasingly ungainly is the speed at which is is firing through his erotica. We've all seen them, the 1,000 page hard cover guides to better sex...and he is assimilating the ancient words of wisdom like they are thought bubbles in a comic book. I think I even heard him snort a few times.

At the same time, the woman is gracefully paging through her book (which I am now imagining must be something about healing from an abusive relationship) and not even paying attention to her homosapien neighbor. Was it a ploy? Could she hang on until he had exhausted his rack full of exotic fare? Turns out yes, because eventually he slithered into the next row and she, rather agressively, shut her book, reshelved it, and made a dramatic, yet classy exit.

And I thought I needed self help before that exchange?

No worries, though. As it turns out I bought a book about Steve Jobs and his entrepreneurial insight.

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Part two of my evening was a short trip to West End Walgreens or, Rite Aid or whatever they call it. Some call it a drug store, but, since I'm not big on drugs, I like to call it the "whatever I'm going to get" place. Tonight, it was the Ankle Brace Shop.

(Man, I just realized how lame my night is seeming at the moment....)

Anyway, the real action happened outside the store.

When I got out of my car I heard this strange "clucking" noise and noticed two young girls sitting on the curb, paying attention to no one inparticular, except themselves. They looked to be high school age and they leaned on each other while they clucked, cawed like a crow, and "goo goo gaa gaa'd" like little babies.

They were oblivious and I just watched for about 30 seconds. That's when I noticed a guy that reminded me of my grandpa looking on, too. He had that look in his eye like, "What the hell is going on over there?" It wasn't that, "Boy that's kinda funny, what the hell is going on there," look, it was a genuine gaze of fear. I just gave him that "kids will be kids," look and he shook his head like he couldn't wait to get home and tell his wife to lock the doors and get the shotgun.

I limped away and the old man promptly backed into the car behind him.... (no, not really, he was a cautious driver, but if this were a movie that's what would have happened).

What I forgot to mention is that I was actually returning one of those ankle wrap things because the first one I bought was too big. They sell them in small-medium or large-xl and I figured, you know, I'm not a huge man, but still, I have a size ten foot, how can that not be in the large-xl range? Well, not even close, it felt like a loose sock when I put it on.

You see, they size these wraps by "ankle size." Who the hell knows the size (in inches) of their ankle?? Needless to say, I must be a medium, but it's a good thing women don't gauge the prowess of a man's c*ck by the size of his ankles.

posted by The Oscillator @ 7:39 PM