The Liquid Kosmos

The Cat's Wrap

How can I possibly forget how much I fucking hate eating "wraps"? Surely there must be a good one out there somewhere, but I have never come close. I don't like - how they cut them up like they are something different then a fucking burrito. I hate the sauce. And it never fails that I find the restaurant with a "chef" that thinks sliced turkey should come from a package hanging on a hook in the meat section.

You probably don't know this about me, but I also loathe onions. I am hyper-sensitive to their taste (yes, even when "you can't taste them") and will go out of my way, sometimes even tell old stories about how my friend and I wanted to start a restaurant called "The No Onione" (imagine rolling your "n" like it were in Spanish or something).

Tonight, I was very clear when I asked the cute young server girl with the pierced nose (I wish I would have done that at some point, but now I drive a BMW and live in a trendy loft and don't think people would give me my props) to give me the "Best Burger in Nashville," but make sure there are no onions on it. "Oh, you can't even taste them, trust me I don't like onions ..." whack! Cut her off mid sentence with - I hate to be a bitch here, but if they are on, in, or around my burger, I don't want it. Well, they put them right in there, huh? Forget it, I'll just have a turkey WRAP.

The minute she set it on my table I wanted to jam a fork in my scrotum because I knew I wouldn't like the taste, smell, or texture of this piece of crap - but I dug in anyway because "I was hungry". I wasn't even that hungry, it's all just a habit... eat because it's there. So I took a cautious bite and what did I discover? You guessed it a big, clunky, nasty, fucking chunk of onion. I was afraid to look down. Kind of like when you are bleeding, but are afraid to face the reality of the wound. But I sucked it up and took a closer look... and just like seeing one ant, then swiftly lifting the soggy bag of oranges to uncover an explosive army, I found my wrap LACED with disgusting, raw barf-triggers. I spit it out.

Now, I haven't been a server in a while. Well, never have been, but I have bartended for years and learned that you should listen to a customer and am I repeating myself here, but I clearly stated that I am not a fan of onions. She blatantly ignored that fact and served me up a disgusting wrap steeped in my poison.

She quickly took it back and had the "chef" fire up another one - and for good measure the kind soul put two extra pieces of ass-wipe on my plate the second time. Two more tantalizing pieces of "wrap guts" that I would be forced to plow through because I am in the fucking "clean plate club." Another superior nugget of wisdom dropped down my family tree. "Michael, now you eat everything on your plate, there are people starving in this world." Well, give THEM this crap. Or better yet, don't give me so much.

This world simply needs more moderately-priced restaurants that actually serve good food. How hard can that be? Trim your damn menu and do a select number of dishes the right way. More is not better. Or, if you want to have variety, do it like the Chinese - offer 300 different meals that are all made from the same three ingredients.

So, speaking of Chinese, I'm watching my neighbor's cat while they spend 10 days in Japan. I have been dying to take a vacation like that, but there is always a part of me that thinks, that seems like a long ways just to stay for 10 days. I'm the kind of person who would need at least a month to assimilate into the culture. With my luck I would just be falling in love with some foreign chick and have to get on the plane. Then cry my way back to Tennessee and write country love songs about a Japanese woman.

Anyway, the cat. What is up with cats? I like them, and they definitely have personality, but there is always something missing. Their lack of speech, I think. It's like trying to be friends with a mime. They are "cool" and everything, but it's like, "hey man, I am sad today" and they give you the ole "fake tissue" or something. If any other friend did that to you, you would probably beat their ass to a pulp.

Certainly cats are fun to play with, but face it, once they get bored with chasing that mouse on a string it all kind of goes to hell. "Hey cat, what do you want to do now?" They just look at you, then start purring or something. Nothing personal, but I feel a little strange being alone in a big house snuggling with a cat.

Well, I'm off to polish the Beamer.

www.pithinthewind.com

posted by The Oscillator @ 7:58 PM