The Liquid Kosmos

Oh, the disparity in life

Tonight I went to this open house in Brentwood at the Governor's Club. For those of you who don't know, Brentwood, TN, like other Brentwoods (who is this Brentwood character?) is full of money. I mean, it is oozing out of these people's skin, I think. And from what I hear, it's the new Nashville money. Bell Meade is the old school, lawn jockey, 18th century kind of shit. Brentwood is artificial turf in the yard with invisible dog fences.

So, I'm driving through all of these unbelievable homes. They're lit up with fashionable "Holiday" lights and fake snow all over the lawn and french maids pressed up against front windows and high class hookers in the driveway, etc. I'm driving a BMW and the guy at the guard gate looked at me like I was from Antioch or something.

I got to the "Way" that housed the display mansion and had to park about 3 blocks down. Evidently people love to look at big houses while they drink free wine and talk about how awesome someone else will have it when they move into their castle.

I walked in through (as it turns out) the side door. I guess it was pretty obvious, but this place was a compound. It had more doors than the that one show with 3 doors to choose your prize from. Ahhh... "Let's make a deal." Ok, so I'm hoping around on one foot taking off my shoes like the sign instructed when a lady starts bitching me out for using the side door. I'm like, "Huh?".

"Here, put these on over your shoes," she says.

I look at these things and they remind me of panties. They are baby blue and I immediately put it on my head and made a funny face. She looked like she wanted to take out a steak knife and cut off my dick, but thank goodness she relented.

This place was fucking ridiculous. It has an elevator and a full kitchen outside on the patio! All I could think about was how I wished I would have started saving pennies when my mom told me to. But, hell, I'm a rebel.

The master bedroom was genuinely bigger than the condo I just bought. It is a shame this place will probably go to a family guy or something. It would be a Chevy Chase/Caddyshack kind of pad for a bachelor. Uncashed checks laying on the Steinway. Perfect.

The furnishings were unbelievable, too, but they aren't staying. There were plasma screens in just about every room. Washer and dryers on each floor. A stocked weight room. Did I mention elevator???

I had to piss so badly, but every toilet had a pretty bow tied over it. I seriously think there were 10 bathrooms and my bladder cringed at the site of every one. For the record I ended up going at a one of the porto johns on an adjoining construction site.

Where was I? Oh, it doesn't matter. The house was awesome and made me sick all at once. It's for sale: 3 million. I'm gonna have to sell a few more ads on my blog before that one becomes reality.

Coming next time... Why dating gets harder everyday and my definition of God.

posted by The Oscillator @ 8:59 PM