The Liquid Kosmos

I took a hike alright

Sunday (I was too tired to write this yesterday, but think I added something, right? I'm trying to be conscious of adding at least one post of day) I went hiking at Radner Lake. Five miles of running, stumbling, and ass-kicking. I'm telling you, I am not a hiker and was a tad concerned I might fall over the edge at a couple points. My eyes didn't leave the trail.

So, I'm out there with Billy who has like a custom hiking water bottle and I'm carrying around one of those 64 ounce water bottles that are way too big for a comfortable jaunt through the woods. I might as well been carrying a gallon of milk.

Hiking is Billy's thing. Hiking is not my thing. He was talking the whole way, and I was BREATHING the whole way. Grunting and groaning my way through answers. The funny part was, he seemed to ask me a continuum of open ended answers. "What do you think about this and about that?" Impossible to answer with a groan, so I'm trying to spew my position on ethics and the Internet, but all that is coming out is a bunch of nothing. Finally, I'm like, yeah, you know, that's one of 'them' topics that goes great with a glass of wine. I think he caught the hint.

I see Kenny Chesney had a secret little wedding. That Kenny, he's so sneaky. I'm still trying to figure out how he snuck his ass up the Country charts. Women are crazy about him, but I kinda think he's a dork. Am I wrong, or is this a guy that, during the peak of his celebrity wore/wears a shark tooth necklace? It sure the hell is 5 o'clock somewhere.

Yeah, yeah... I know that's Alan Jackson... and while I'm on it, I might as well lay a little critique on Al as well. Believe it or not, I went to an A.J. show once. I know there was a reason, but for the life of me, I can't remember why. I do remember, that it was in Rockford, IL (which by the way has a new mayor who's a friend of mine) and I was wearing tight Levi's, though. I also had pretty good seats and had to listen to the piercing screams of fat hillbilly women all night.

Now, don't get me wrong, Jackson is a songwriting machine, rich, and has a hell of a lot more going than I do, but that is NO excuse for playing half the damn show with his ass turned to my face. No shit...he's all "It's five o'clock somewhere" and shaking his ass like a stripper and after 2 hours of this, I'm thinking... you know what, that bastard does have a pretty good ass. But I'm also thinking I wish he'd get the runs right now and blow his whole game. Yeah, it's 5 o'clock somewhere and that's about the time you wipe the shit out of your gruns.

Ok, I know... a little harsh, but A.J.'s a good sport... It's Toby Keith I worry about.

My buddy Jeff and I were out at a local pizza joint in town and Toby was sitting at the next table with his entourage. (Side note, Billy Currington was at the table on the other side of us with 7 hot women... well, they weren't really that hot, but when there is so many it's hard to focus and they look like an ostentation of peacocks or something). Anyway, I was telling everyone about this experience (which was later proven in All The Rage) but when I told the story, I would say, "yeah, Toby was there, but he's kind of a dick... I walked up to him and sang, it's 5 o'clock somewherrrrreee, and he looked at me like he wanted to kick my ass." Everyone I told that story too said, "you did not, that's not even his song" or "why did you do that, man?" or something else that painted me as an idiot. I KNOW THAT's NOT HIS SONG... and I DIDN'T really do it, but I WISH I WOULD HAVE, because that would have been funny. Southern humor is about a click off of what I grew up with.

To make this grotesquely long story short, I'm kind of sore today from the big hike. I thought it would be a great idea to go for a little jog tonight and loosen things up, but I decided to grace you with a few titillating stories.

Thanks for reading... oh... and this is a great time to re-introduce one of my best friends and favorite songwriters. If you think I'm whacked, check him out.

posted by The Oscillator @ 6:43 PM